Song of the week

Everybody has a song that makes them smile. Well, heres my feel good song of the week =)



I get lost in this song ♥

Theres one thing I can count on everyday. One thing that happens no matter what. I think about certain people atleast once a day. Like my brother. Some thoughts are good. Refreshing. Reflective. I might not say I miss people as much as I really do. I wish they could know how many times a day they crossed my mind. I think about my mother. Some thoughts pester me more than they do any good. I think about my father. Wonder if Im doing him justice down here. Hope he knows I’m trying. I think about my boyfriend. God I love him. Maybe too much, if there is a such thing. And then I think about everyone else. My friends, wonder whats up with them. I wonder about people who occupied my thoughts more at one point in time but don’t anymore. Wonder why. Then remember. I really do wish people knew how much they crossed my mind.

My New York Dream....

You know, its funny. I sit here looking on Craigslist for apartments, reading blogs about why you should move to new York as if im still going. As if I didn’t decide that I was going to wait until I was finished with community college. My heart flutters whenever I read up about another ny school as if ive already been accepted. I curiously look up a neighborhood maps of manhattan as if I was ready to leave my boyfriend, my car, my small circle, and my life here behind. I wonder why I do these things. Play with my emotions. Bring back these feelings…

Maybe its because deep inside I know that fate will lead me there. I just took a longer route. Maybe its because I know that ny is where I belong. And that I hadn’t felt more at home when I arrived there than when I left my mothers house a year and a half ago. This year actually, I had pretty much planned it all out: I was moving to ny either the fall or the spring semester. I was going to find an apartment. My bf was going to drive the uhal there with all my things, and help me move in. it was all settled. And then, soon after my ideas and dreams and excitement started to bloom, my fear arrived, plucking all of the petals off of my fresh, delicate flowers…

I was scared. Scared because I would be even more on my own than I was before. Scared because I loved my boyfriend and knew in my heart that ny would never be where he wanted to be so in turn we would no longer be. Scared because I knew that if I ‘messed’ up, there would be even less people than usual to save me. Scared of failure…

But as ive had this semester to reflect on my decision to stay, I continue to go back and forth between being hopeful that my future will someday lead me there, and regret. Sometimes I wonder what I am really doing here. The only one holding me back is myself. And these ridiculous boundaries and excuses ive constructed. But then I think, hey, maybe it was the ‘sensible’ thing to do. Wait until I was sure, wait until I had a plan, wait until I had the degree. Or maybe I was just waiting for me to have the guts. Since when have I waited until I had a plan? Conscious spontaneity is the story of my life. And that’s one of the only things that makes me smile these days. I think that new York would have been or will be the step toward my happiness. I would be surrounded by so many different cultures, so many different people, so much stimulation that im almost sure that sometimes the beauty of it would bring me to tears. Tears of joy. Because despite the hardships and struggles this was what I wanted.

Sometimes when I should be doing other, more constructive things in my real life and world, I sit and think and imagine what it would be like to live there. The people I would meet, the friends I would make, how my insanely small apartment would be decorated. But then I remember: I have a project to do, and snap out of it. Maybe this is why I never attempt to organize, or keep my room clean, or try my hardest at most things. Because I don’t feel I truly feel a reason to. Because im not where I want to be, who I want to be, or doing what I want to be doing. My thoughts are completely disorganized, my view of my future is as messy as my room and trying my hardest would be unveiling too much of myself to others…

Crazy thoughts, huh?